The Reader

I want to take a few moments to comment on the 2009 Oscar nominated movie that shares the same name as the title of this blog entry. Specifically I want to focus my attention toward best actress winner Kate Winslet (pictured here in perhaps her most famous role). In her role in The Reader she showed such subtle emotion and vulnerability unlike any other portrayal I’ve ever seen from any other actress in quite a while. She brought such a heartbreaking elegance to the film; it was very moving to watch. She no doubt deserved the Oscar.

She was also “butt booty nekkid” and engaged in lots of what I like to call “movie sex” in at least a third of the film. In my opinion, this is admirable on many levels and not just on the “she’s hot” level either. (I mean she IS hot, but she’s also a very talented actress.) For her to be that comfortable in her own skin to then show all of it from head to toe for all the world to see is really something (and this ain’t the first time either). However, when I think of Kate my mind does not immediately race directly to her naked flesh in The Reader. Instead I will always think of the second half of this two minute clip from the HBO show Extras. Never thought there would ever be a situation where these three words together were appropriate but . . . Hottest Nun Ever!!!

Let me begin spewing out my unproven theory that I of course just made up. Kate’s role in The Reader she is naked a lot with lots of that “movie sex” happening. She won the best actress Oscar. Halle Berry was naked a lot in Monster’s Ball and wallered on the couch and the floor naked with a naked Bill Bob Thornton. She also won a best actress Oscar. Halle probably should have also gotten a “Best Stunt” Oscar, or a “Thanks for Taking One for the Team” Oscar, or a “Damn Girl, You Deserve a Medal Along with this Oscar” Oscar because again, she had to waller around on a couch naked with Billy Bob Thornton. . . . Bill Bob Thornton. (I’m just sayin’ if I had a vagina I wouldn’t want Bill Bob’s “Thornton” anywhere near it.)
Moving on . . .

My unproven completely horseshit theory is this – “movie sex” can be a lot like heterosexual sex. If you want to create life from having hetero sex and everything is operating as it should, you put yourself whole heartedly into the act then nine months later you have yourself a baby. If everything is operating correctly (boom mics, cameras, lighting, key grips, etc.) and you put yourself wholeheartedly into the “movie sex” then nine months later (or less - depending on when your movie comes out) you have yourself an Oscar. And with movie sex you don’t have to limit yourself to hetero sex to get the Oscar (Right Swanky?). Before I move on I really want to pay tribute to my favorite Halle Berry cinematic moment.

“Okay so is this blog entry just you professing your love for Kate and Halle?” No. Yes. Maybe. Kinda. The title of this blog entry is a direct reference to what my new healthy routine will do for me. I love to read, but I’m very particular. I have to have just the right conditions to read a book – quiet with just a touch of background noise and very few distractions. I read on airplanes, in my hotel room when traveling for work, and while riding my recumbent bike in the evenings. I sit down, I pedal away, and I read my heart out. There is a little clip or stand where I can rest the book I’m reading. It is hands-free until I need to turn the page. It is awesome. The exercise part of my five part plan presents me with more opportunities to read. My exercise plan not only burns fat and calories, but it will also stimulate my brain. Multitasking!

This has inspired me to incorporate this into my blog. After I finish a book I will then blog about it here – just like a little book review. Books on the Bike.

Okay so that was a long journey to get to my point, but wasn’t it a fun ride? (Don’t answer that . . . or do . . . whatever, I’ll be too busy reading and pedaling to care.) I’m a Newly Fat Guy and as of this morning I weigh 252 lbs. Three pounds in 10 days – that works for me. I’d rather not lose too much too fast as a result of trying to get healthy or in some cases as a result of trying to get unhealthy. (There is no joke to go along with that picture because deep down it truly makes me sad and angry and sick to my chubby stomach. By outward appearances she used to be a beautiful person and that is all fucked up now and I for one think it fucking sucks. Okay I’ll calm down now and stop typing f-bombs.)

“I can lose weight, but you’ll always be off somewhere having movie sex.”

PS – This 4th blog entry also signifies a milestone in my blogging history. Until this point my foray into blogtown (population a gajillion) only merited three blog posts – if you care to you may read those here.

Meatwad and the Otis Redding Rule

(Warning: Please do NOT attempt to claim this blog post title as your band name. I will hunt you down – all of you. No one wants this to happen. Besides, I said “please.”)

I happened to catch part of the 2010 Winter Olympics this weekend and it prompted me to go ahead with my BodyMassIndex (BMI) blog post. The event I happened to catch was the K125 Ski Jumping competition. The commentator (himself a former ski jumper) when referring to Emmanuel Chedal, a jumper from France, said the following: “. . . [Chedal] is a little bit heavier . . . Ski jumpers set the standards for BMI . . . it’s all about fat not flying out here . . . fat doesn’t fly . . . the ideal is to weigh 150lbs or less and that is with your boots and equipment on . . . it is not unlike jockeys in horse racing . . fat doesn’t fly.” (I’m paraphrasing a little here. He did indeed say all those things maybe not in that order. I tried to go back, but my DVR kept re-booting itself.)

His repetition of “fat doesn’t fly” conjured up many images. The main image was that of big balls of juicy, bloody fat on skis trying to fly through the air with the greatest of ease. Not unlike Meatwad, my favorite character from ATHF. He is perhaps the most adorable wad of meat to ever appear on TV. He raps, he sings, he tells jokes – and I bet if he was given half a chance, Mr. Commentator man, he could get on those skis and fly.

This got me to thinking about other athletes and BMI. According to many BMI calculator sites this is what the end result BMI numbers mean:

underweight = <18.5
"normal" weight = 18.5-24.9
overweight = 25-29.9
obesity = a BMI greater than 30

I decided to plug-in some athletes height and weight stats into the BMI calculator found at nutritiondata.com. The whole site is pretty handy regarding health and nutrition facts. You can look up all kinds of foods and get nutrition data. They also have a very comprehensive BMI calculator that does not just focus on height and weight. You can enter in information about how active you are and the specific minutes a day you may do a particular type of exercise. (For women you can enter in information regarding whether or not you are pregnant and lactating – FUN!!!) It also doesn’t preach that a BMI calculation is the “be all end all” either, but there are lots of places that are poking holes in the helpfulness of BMI. In the interest of full disclosure my BMI comes out to 33.8. I’m not looking to get it to “normal” I’d settle for somewhere in the overweight range.

I found the stats needed on these athletes online mostly from either the Olympics site or ESPN’s site. Then I pretty much counted them as all being very active (they are freakin’ athletes) and made up some form of 2-3 hour workout that seemed to make sense for each athlete in question. Let’s start with these damn ski jumpers and their awesome BMIs.

Simon Ammann he actually won gold in the event I happened to be watching. He’s 5 foot-8 inches 127lbs. 28 years old which makes his BMI 19.2. (It also makes him a fucking show off!)

Emmanuel Chedal he is that “heavier” guy the commentator decided to single out and use that phrase that will soon be appearing in all future airline advertisements “fat doesn’t fly.” I wonder how long it took him to come up with that little nugget. Chedal is 6 feet tall 148lbs. 27 years old which makes his BMI 20.0 (I’m not sure how he’ll be able to go on living such a porker existence.)

LeBron James – probably the most popular athlete right now. He’s 6 foot-8 inches 250lbs. 25 years old which makes his BMI 27.5. (Which puts him in the overweight category for BMI. What a loser!)

Leila Ali – female boxer, Dancing with the Stars competitor, and daughter of Mohammed Ali. She is 5 foot-10 inches 160lbs. 32 years old with a BMI of 22.9. (Normal but close I’ll be watching you. Please don’t beat me up.)

Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson – he is a former college football, a former WWE wrasslin’ superstar, and now a major movie star. He is 6 foot-5inches 260lbs. 37 years old with a BMI of 30.7. (And he is an obese fat piece of shit that disgusts me. I smell what the Rock is cooking and it is bacon covered donuts on the set of his new movie Fatty McFattinstein. Please don’t beat me up.)

I will give it to nutritiondata.com they do at least have the following statement with each BMI calculation:
“BMI is a standardized ratio of weight to height, and is often used as a general indicator of health. The "normal" BMI for an adult man/woman of your height is 18.5 to 24.9. This translates to a healthy weight range of XXX to XXX lbs. However, BMI does not take body composition into account. A weight above this range could still be considered healthy if your percentage body fat is less than average. For more accurate determination of body fat levels, consider using a body fat caliper.”

(Because if you’re feeling fat the best way to feel better about it is to pinch and poke your fat. No thanks.)

All of this leaves me with the Otis Redding rule which of course I made up and that really may only apply to me. In my opinion, there is not a man that ever walked this earth that is cooler that Otis. In his hit song Love Man he described himself this way “Six feet one weigh two hundred and ten / A long hair... real fair skin / A long legs and I'm-a out-a sight / There ain't no doubt I'm gonna take you out, / 'Cause I'm a Love Man.” That’s my goal. I’m 6 foot – 1 inch and 210 lbs. would put my BMI at 27.8. I think I can live with that. (The long hair part was lost a long time ago, and where does pasty freckly skin fall into this description? I’ve always been a-out-a-sight. That’s just a given. I’m just thankful that Otis didn’t ever write a song titled Fatty Bombalatty then I’d be all confused.)

Okay that’s my goal – lose 45 lbs. I can do it, it will just take some time and effort. I’m a Newly Fat Guy and I’ll be weighing myself soon. “I can lose weight, but you’ll always be a sexy wad of meat.”

Plan 9 from Outer Space

(And by Plan 9 from Outer Space I mean my plan to reduce the amount of space I take up, and therefore increase the outer space that surrounds me on a daily basis.)

So . . . what is my plan? Good question, I’m glad I asked it to myself. I’m going with a basic five part plan. Why five parts? Again excellent question, good job self! Five part plan for me because four parts seemed too punk ass, and six just seemed too showy. (Look at me with my six part plan!!! Woo-hoo!!!) Also five is my favorite number. No it is not scientific. Let us begin.

1 – I will give up all soft drinks. Sugary sweet, diet, caffeinated, non-caffeinated, carbonated, still – all of them. I’ve had a love / hate relationship with soft drinks my whole life. I love them I can’t get enough of them, but I hate the way they make me feel. I hate the fact that they’ve added weight to my body and taken years off of my life. So good-bye soft drinks and high fructose corn syrup!

Before we move on let’s take a moment to discuss high fructose corn syrup. The word “fructose” looks and sounds like an insult. “You fructose-ing son of a bitch!” “Fructose you and the horse you rode in on!” “Why don’t you go fructose in your own hat!?” You wouldn’t want someone to call you a fructose so why put it in your body?

2 – I will avoid fast food and eating out and instead eat food cooked and prepared at home. Incorporate as many natural and organic foods as much as possible. Now my immediate reaction to organic food in the grocery store is usually – “Damn that shit is expensive!” What I need to then follow-up with is “and so is poor health.” or "and so is obesity." Having to buy new clothes because you continue to “grow out” of the ones you currently own. Going to the doctor more than you ever remember going in the past. Having to buy canes, walkers, scooters, etc. because it is getting more and more difficult for your legs to carry yourself and your oxygen tank around with you. You get the point. Thankfully I have not gotten to this stage in my life, so before I get there time to change some eating habits.

Now there may be times when I am pressed to consider fast food and eating out options. Occasionally that is fine I’ll just begin considering the healthier options on the menu. They have a whole menu I should probably take the time to read it. Most if not all fast food restaurants and regular restaurants offer healthier selections. Why not take a chance on something new? There is no need for me to get stuck in a rut and order the same double burger and fries every time. (Now if you frequent a place where you’ve gotten to know the wait staff and they know you and your order you may get some funny looks when you change things. We’ll get into that some other time.)

3 – I will cut back on alcohol consumption. Weight gain and alcohol consumption have a lot to do with genetics. Your genes dictate if you’re an individual who gains weight from drinking or you could not be affected at all. However, most experts will recommend cutting out alcohol when starting a weight loss program. Alcohol contains 7 calories per gram, and that is almost as much as fat, which is 9 calories per gram. My hope is that you would not drink a glass full of fat (ew, gross). In terms of calories when you drink you’re doing just that. Also your body processes alcohol first before fat, protein, or carbs. Therefore, drinking alcohol slows down the burning of fat. Factoids from - http://www.shapefit.com/alcohol-calories.html

As we all know when we drink we do not always make the best decisions. (You probably didn’t read that last sentence because you had a lampshade on your head. Tell the naked stranger in bed next to you to help remove it for you. Yes, I realize you do not know their name – just do it. Go ahead, I’ll wait . . .)

As I was saying, we don’t always make the best decisions. We let our guards down. Alcohol consumption and food consumption usually go hand in hand and with our guards down we allow some shitty bar food to get on our plates. We do not make the best food decisions because we are a little buzzed and therefore foods with “popper” “stick” and “kickin” in the name just sound more fun.

Am I giving up alcoholic beverages completely? No. Am I going to exercise moderation when it comes to alcohol? Yes.
(Later, we will explore the myth that drinking beer gives you “beer muscles.”)

Speaking of exercise . . .

4 – I will exercise. I’m starting out with a simple program with room to add to it as I progress. Walk my dog for 30 minutes in the morning before getting ready for work. I prefer the early hours when it is still dark because there is less traffic, and fewer distractions for my dog. Now I will admit that we can’t always go at a consistent fast pace, because my dog usually likes to pause and smell and/or pee on stuff as we walk (so do I – like I said it’s dark – I’m kidding! Am I?). We go as fast as we can the whole time, and I usually break into a sweat about halfway through the trek so all in all our walks are beneficial. Then at night I’m going to pedal for 30 minutes on our recumbent bike followed by 10-15 minutes working out with dumbbells (10 – 25lb. weights as opposed to unintelligent people). Just do simple stuff for now, with room to grow and add on to this daily workout routine. The goal is to do this every day of the week with the fallback goal of at least 4 days a week.

I don’t think it is a coincidence that the word exercise and exorcise have such similar spellings. They both involve releasing and driving out demons of some sort. People that workout regularly often complain about their mood if they are unable to workout for a day or two. They get kind of grumpy (and not just those people that may be on steroids) because they haven’t had that release that working out gives them. Also it is just a given that you are exorcising that fat demons from your body. I wonder how much weight I’d lose if I could spin my head around and vomit pea soup? “The sodium in this soup compels me!”

5 – I will write stuff in this here blog. I promise to post blog entries at least three times a week. Once a week I promise to weigh myself as some sort of an update on my progression to better health (or regression or digression if that is the case). I feel that with the knowledge that someone might be keeping up with me on this that I should probably stick with the program. I want to post positive results, good news, and progress. No one wants to be a bummer. But if there is bad news to report, it will be reported as honestly as possible. If I fall off the wagon, I will report it to all who read. If I desire to give up, you the reader will know about it (if you read and follow this blog – which you really should). It is often suggested that you have a diet/workout buddy to help keep you on task and I’ve chosen all you readers in the blogosphere (Little known fact that I just made up “blogosphere” is the shape your ass becomes if all you do all day is read and write blog posts on the Internetz. You should really go outside and do something. Of course, wait until after you’ve finished reading my blog.)

Okay that’s my plan – what do you think? Pretty awesome, huh? Yeah, whatever. I’m a Newly Fat Guy and I’ll weigh myself some time next week. “I can lose weight, but you’ll always be from outer space.”

“I can lose weight... but you'll always be an arsehole!” - Simon Pegg (Run Fatboy Run)

Hello and welcome to Newly Fat Guy. The concept is pretty simple. For the first two-thirds of my life (ages 1 – 25) I was fairly fit. Kept my weight at a decent level, was active and healthy-ish. For this last third of my life (26 – 38) . . . well . . . I’ve sort of let myself go. Let myself go out for ice cream. Let myself go out and get some fast food. Let myself go downstairs, sit down, and watch a lot of T.V. (But hey, you went down the stairs! Thanks, smartass. There’s this thing called gravity that helped - it gets the assist.) As a result of all of this “letting go” I seem to have gained so much more. I now weigh in at 255lbs. Put this into a BodyMassIndex calculator with my height and it tells me I’m obese (I know there are flaws with BMI we’ll get into that some other time). I’ve never had anyone tell me I was obese before. Since this is somewhat of a new experience for me I consider myself a Newly Fat Guy.

I’ve done enough in the “letting go” department, it is now time to start “getting back.” Getting back into healthier foods prepared / cooked at home. Getting back away from the table when I’ve had enough. Getting back into an exercise program. Getting back to my old self.

What better day to kick this whole blog off than Fat Tuesday? (What is a blog? Can I eat it? How many calories does it have?) As a procrastinator when it comes to most things I went through the whole weight loss holiday procrastination. “Well, I can’t really start this until sometime after Thanksgiving, Christmas, or New Year’s Eve. That’s just a given.” “And everyone else is doing their whole New Year’s resolution thing to get healthy and I don’t want to do what every one else is doing. So that’s not going to work.” “And then there is MLK day, Groundhog day, the premiere for the new season of Lost, the Super Bowl, Valentine’s Day, etc.” And there it was . . . Tuesday February 16, 2010 - Fat Tuesday (Mardi Gras). It’s a day when people go absolutely apeshit with all their vices before they have to give them up for Lent. What better day to start a blog called Newly Fat Guy? What better day to start getting healthy? A better day does not exist, my friend, I’ve checked. Plus it brings me back to my Catholic roots of giving stuff up for Lent. Just this time I’m giving it up for life, not just Lent. (What are you giving up for Lent? I’m giving up being a fat ass.)

Why not call your blog “The” Newly Fat Guy? Because I’m not “The” only one. There are other NF Guys and NF Gals out there in the world. Maybe some of them will read this and get some help or insight into their own health or weight loss. I’m not a professional and no one should be taking advice from me, but if it happens accidentally then so be it.

Okay, that’s enough for now I don’t want to overdo this whole blogging thing. (Blogging is that an exercise? Is it a certain way in which to chew your food? Does it have anything to do with your colon?) I’m a Newly Fat Guy and I currently weigh in at 255 lbs.
“I can lose weight, but you’ll always be welcome to read and follow my blog and tell your friends.”