K.I.S.S.

Keep It Simple Stupid. Sort of the motto I’m trying to live by these days. Somewhere along my path down Healthy Enlightenment Labor of Love (HELL for short) I stopped drinking beer. I never really intended for this to happen, but I don’t really regret it happening either. For about 2 or 3 months before swinging on this Discouraging Insipid Exercise-al Trapeze (or DIET) beer and my stomach stopped getting along. Particularly draft beer. So it just has not really been a pity party, and my fat tire does not miss Fat Tire. (I always felt weird in bars asking for a Fat Tire when I already had one.)

I’m just keeping my beverage intake simple: black coffee, water, gin & tonic, and red wine. That’s it-easy. That’s the list. I feel that these options are better for me than other beverages. Much better than, “Hey, they just came out with Mountain Dew in three new unnatural colors. I must try them all!” Perhaps I should instead drink a cup of bleach mixed with a pound of sugar. Because let’s face it these look like liquids you’d use to wash dishes.

I'm not judging. Just stating what's good for me, and what I feel I need to do. I’m a Newly Fat Guy and I weigh 244 lbs. "I can lose weight, but you’ll be washing your dishes with Mountain Dew."

Springing Forward is a Pain in My Fat Ass

Okay the week right after moving the clocks ahead was great. I had energy and I was ready to take on the world. I was very excited about my progress. Then it all took a quick hard turn in the wrong direction. This week it just ain’t happening. I haven’t gone off the deep end. I’m still eating right, still no soft drinks. But today is the first day of getting back to my exercise routine, and getting back to this blog. This ATHF clip of Carl sums up my feelings this week.



I’m a Newly Fat Guy and I’m getting back to the plan. “I can lose the weight, but you’ll always be springing forward into a knife (ouch).”

The Reader follow-up

It was reported yesterday that Kate Winslet and her husband Sam Mendes announced that they have officially split. I believe (but not really) that my previous blog entry may have had something (nothing) to do with the split. She read my impassioned appreciation for her cinematic bravery (no she didn’t) is packing her things right now to move in with me and my wife (she’s not doing that). Perhaps Mr. Mendes read the blog (he doesn’t know who I am) and the reminder of all the nudity, movie sex, and dirty talk sent him over the edge where he could no longer live under the same roof with Kate (doubtful). Or maybe he just couldn’t remove the images from all her movie sex scenes he personally filmed in Revolutionary Road.

Part 1 - Okay, here we have the home inspector’s report for your new home. They recommend the current owners replace six of the shingles on the roof, add a railing to the steps leading to the backyard, and do something about the enormous amount of “movie sex funk” that our detectors picked up – right around that part of the kitchen counter near the fridge. You’re going to want to get that checked out.

Part 2 - I’m so glad you guys decided to test drive this baby. It is a sweet ride. It is a used car, but with very little wear and tear. Though I do have to warn you, you may get a strong sense of “movie sex funk” right around the front passenger side of the vehicle. I’m sure it will go away after a short while.

Okay while that was fun I truly hope that everything works out for both of them. Not sure what is up with celebrity couples. No matter how much you think they might work out or how much you may personally pull for them and their relationship it tends to sour after a while. I was glad to read that they’ve parted amicably. On to more positive stuff . . .

It has been a month since I started this blog and this here health plan. This morning I weighed in at 246 lbs. That’s 9 pounds down in a month. That’s one month without a single soft drink of any kind. (I used to have difficulty making it a whole week without one.) I haven’t had bouts of vicious hunger or anything severe. I haven’t had any feelings like I’m been lacking anything.

This also begins a true test in many ways for me. I’ve been to this dance before. I usually make it through a month of trying to diet and exercise and then give up. I don’t know what month two is like because I haven’t made it that far. It is often two diametrically opposed facets that derail me. I either pat myself on the back too hard. “I’ve lost 9 pounds I can relax this health plan bullshit for a while and go back to kicking it on High Fructose Street in Fattytown.” Or I tear myself down. “Well, my weight loss rate is slowing down and I’ve probably hit my plateau. I might as well give up.”

It seems I have a clearer mind for getting past this potential one month “road block.” I will not give up. In fact my plan for this one month “opportunity” will be to implement a slight increase in my exercise routine adding more time to the cardio, more reps with the weights, and a new exercise (maybe push-ups? crunches?). I’m so shiny-happy . . . I’m pretty fucking disgusted with myself (but in a good way).

I’m a Newly Fat Guy and I weigh 246 lbs. "I can lose the weight, but you’ll be reading about my progress for many more months to come."

Have Fat Will Travel

I’m of the opinion that travel is the arch enemy of getting healthy. It has been a few months since I’ve had to travel for work. Earlier this week I had to travel out of state for a few days, and temptation to derail my plan was around every corner. Despite what ski jumping commentator guy says my fat was flying above 30,000 feet so Suck It! I’m happy to say that I did okay with my plan despite being faced with the following 5 travel obstacles.

(Yes 5, my favorite number, that is my deal.)

1. Stress. Travel for work can often come with stress and long hours. Stress can often affect people’s appetite in one of two ways – you either eat a lot or not at all. My stress often comes with the desire to eat lots of crappy food. I was able to keep my eating under control this trip.

2. Away from home. I’m out of my comfort zone and into the DANGER ZONE. Not really, but that was fun to type and italicize. I don’t have access to our fridge, kitchen, and pantry at home to prepare something healthier for myself with my own hands. I don’t sleep too well in a strange bed alone. Weird, right? No, not really. If I don’t sleep well I tend to make poor decisions regarding my health. And that fitness center in the hotel LOOKS nice, but not as nice as the guest room in our house. It has the same type of bike and weights that I have at home – but it is not the same. I’m not going in there. That is something I’ll have to work on because I need to continue my workout plan even while traveling.

3. An abundance of food. It is a common practice in business that if you host meetings for clients there is an abundance of food. If you want the clients to buy your product or help you in some way you need to feed them into submission. There is often breakfast, mid-morning snack, lunch, and afternoon snack. No shit from 8:00 a.m. to 2:00 p.m. there are essentially 4 meals. Lots of great food often fried. Not like state fair fried food this fried food looks healthy, but in reality not so good. And desserts, there are tons of fucking beautiful desserts. For the most part the caterer this week had plenty of healthier options to choose from – fresh fruit at breakfast, salads and wraps at lunch, etc. I slipped the second meeting day and had a slice of chocolate chess pie at the end of lunch and a cookie during the afternoon snack. Chocolate . . . Chess . . . Pie . . . And . . . If you’re going to make cookies with M&M’s that’s just asking for trouble. But this was a minor set back or instead it could be viewed as a reward for continuing to avoid soft drinks of all kinds, the biscuits and sweet buns at breakfast, and the dessert options and afternoon cookies during the first day. I’ll live to fight another day.

4. Convenient access to food. In addition to the convenient food available at our meetings - airports are often just a series of mini food courts in between the gates and the stores that sell golf apparel. Oh but right there are newsstands where you can get a magazine, a cheap magnet, and every kind of candy bar in the universe. Temptation is everywhere, but I did really well to avoid it all. It helps that I hate to eat in airports in the first place. It just gives me an extreme case of the heebies and a couple of mild cases of the jeebies.

5. Boredom. Often with this type of travel either you’re busy working your ass off or your bored to tears. If I don’t have enough mental stimulation I often turn my gaze toward food. I brought a few magazines and such which helped keep my mind from wandering.

Speaking of occupying my mind apparently a challenge was thrown down to me and a few of my fellow passengers while waiting in line. When you fly Southwest airlines you often find yourself waiting in line. You wait in line to get on the jet bridge. Once you’re on the jet bridge you wait in line to get on the plane. On the plane you wait in line while everyone ahead of you struggles to load themselves and their carry-ons on the plane. While waiting in line to get on the jet bridge heading home someone decided to play a little game of “Who Farted?” It really smelled bad for about five minutes in our section of the line. My money is on the college age dude two spots in front of me. And I’m not picking on him because he had on a Red Sox hat either. He wouldn’t make eye contact with any of us during this five minute stink-off and he had a slight smirk on his face the whole time (okay and maybe it is also because he had the Red Sox hat).

All I have to say is DUDE, You ARE Nasty! (and you should probably see a doctor)

I’m a Newly Fat Guy and I'll weigh myself soon. “I can lose weight, but you’ll always be anonymously passing gas in a crowd."

I'd Like To Thank The Academy

Okay real quick Oscar post.
Christoph Waltz just won supporting for Inglourious Basterds. (Though I predict the movie will lose the spelling bee)
The clip of Stanley Tucci from the Lovely Bones just won the “creeped me the fuck out” award. Read the book I haven’t seen the movie yet. (Creepy. Creep. The creepster. Fucking creepy. Infected with Creep’s Disease).
Neal Patrick Harris should open all award shows.
Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin did a great job with the opener. Kinda kicked it old school. I’m glad Clooney played along.
I usually begrudge Meryl Streep being nominated each year, but she was pretty fucking adorable in Julie & Julia.
I’m glad Up won the animated award.
REALLY happy the Crazy Heart song The Weary Kind won. Great movie too.

I’m a Newly Fat Guy and this morning I weighed 248 lbs (First and foremost I would like to thank the Academy). “I can lose weight, but you’ll always be a golden statue."

Books on the Bike 1 - Born Standing Up

Plans and / or rules were made to be changed and / or broken. Let me take a moment to clarify. It seems that the most difficult part of this 5 part plan to get healthy is “5 – I will write stuff in this here blog.” I think it was too ambitious to try and post a new blog entry three times a week. My full-time job and abiding very strictly to parts 1-4 of my plan (which I’ve been doing very well) I feel that a promise to blog at least twice a week seems more reasonable. Now that is out of the way, let’s move on to the first installment of Books on the Bike.

Born Standing Up by Steve Martin

I really enjoyed reading this little book (just over 200 pages worth). It is Mr. Martin re-visiting his past life immersed in magic and stand-up comedy. He paints a vivid picture of his highs, lows, and struggles along the path to becoming a superstar. He challenged comedy standards not only thinking outside the box, but also taking his audience with him (literally, like a pied piper he would often lead them outside the clubs / theaters for the last part of his show). I found myself constantly amazed at the detail with which he re-told so many of his stories remembering names of people that seemed to slide in and out of his life very quickly. (If it were me having to recall such details from my past the reader would be presented with “One time this dude told me that this other guy had this thing that had bunch of stuff in it and it was nice.”)

Martin takes you on a historical journey through the evolution of his act. From his job selling guide books at Disneyland to his stint in a magic shop, the reader gets gradual glimpses into all of the little moments and elements that grew into his visual comedy and iconic catch phrases (“Well, Excuuuuuuuuse me! – Steve Martin had 8 U’s well before Raaaaaaaandy and his 8 A’s). He did not become an overnight success from one Tonight Show appearance. Instead he worked and worked at his act and then several Tonight Show appearances later everything lined up properly and he struck the right chord with the viewing public. As is common with most comic talents there was a dark lonely side to him during his climb to the top. A strained relationship with a resentful father and an overall disconnection from his family made Steve Martin’s lonely life on the road a whole lot lonelier. To add to that his success brought with it fame and fortune, but also more loneliness and isolation. Ultimately he walked away from stand-up to pursue new avenues in show business.

This book is chocked full of stories from his life that are just cool as hell. Working as a writer / performer on The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour and forming a strong bond with fellow writer / performer Bob Einstein (Super Dave Osborne). One can picture the two of them in stitches cracking each other up behind the scenes. The time he met Elvis is another anecdote that stood out. Not only was it a huge star struck moment for him to meet THE Elvis, but Elvis truly appreciated Steve’s off-beat sense of humor (showing empathy for Martin because Elvis also had a sense of humor his audiences did not always understand). How cool is that?

Okay so I give this book 2.5 out of 3 fake prop arrows through the head. Any more than that and you’re just asking for a headache (I’ll be here all week, be sure to tip your waitress). I’m a Newly Fat Guy and I’ll weigh myself soon. “I can lose weight, but you’ll always be a couple of wild and crazy guys.”