Plan 9 from Outer Space

(And by Plan 9 from Outer Space I mean my plan to reduce the amount of space I take up, and therefore increase the outer space that surrounds me on a daily basis.)

So . . . what is my plan? Good question, I’m glad I asked it to myself. I’m going with a basic five part plan. Why five parts? Again excellent question, good job self! Five part plan for me because four parts seemed too punk ass, and six just seemed too showy. (Look at me with my six part plan!!! Woo-hoo!!!) Also five is my favorite number. No it is not scientific. Let us begin.

1 – I will give up all soft drinks. Sugary sweet, diet, caffeinated, non-caffeinated, carbonated, still – all of them. I’ve had a love / hate relationship with soft drinks my whole life. I love them I can’t get enough of them, but I hate the way they make me feel. I hate the fact that they’ve added weight to my body and taken years off of my life. So good-bye soft drinks and high fructose corn syrup!

Before we move on let’s take a moment to discuss high fructose corn syrup. The word “fructose” looks and sounds like an insult. “You fructose-ing son of a bitch!” “Fructose you and the horse you rode in on!” “Why don’t you go fructose in your own hat!?” You wouldn’t want someone to call you a fructose so why put it in your body?

2 – I will avoid fast food and eating out and instead eat food cooked and prepared at home. Incorporate as many natural and organic foods as much as possible. Now my immediate reaction to organic food in the grocery store is usually – “Damn that shit is expensive!” What I need to then follow-up with is “and so is poor health.” or "and so is obesity." Having to buy new clothes because you continue to “grow out” of the ones you currently own. Going to the doctor more than you ever remember going in the past. Having to buy canes, walkers, scooters, etc. because it is getting more and more difficult for your legs to carry yourself and your oxygen tank around with you. You get the point. Thankfully I have not gotten to this stage in my life, so before I get there time to change some eating habits.

Now there may be times when I am pressed to consider fast food and eating out options. Occasionally that is fine I’ll just begin considering the healthier options on the menu. They have a whole menu I should probably take the time to read it. Most if not all fast food restaurants and regular restaurants offer healthier selections. Why not take a chance on something new? There is no need for me to get stuck in a rut and order the same double burger and fries every time. (Now if you frequent a place where you’ve gotten to know the wait staff and they know you and your order you may get some funny looks when you change things. We’ll get into that some other time.)

3 – I will cut back on alcohol consumption. Weight gain and alcohol consumption have a lot to do with genetics. Your genes dictate if you’re an individual who gains weight from drinking or you could not be affected at all. However, most experts will recommend cutting out alcohol when starting a weight loss program. Alcohol contains 7 calories per gram, and that is almost as much as fat, which is 9 calories per gram. My hope is that you would not drink a glass full of fat (ew, gross). In terms of calories when you drink you’re doing just that. Also your body processes alcohol first before fat, protein, or carbs. Therefore, drinking alcohol slows down the burning of fat. Factoids from - http://www.shapefit.com/alcohol-calories.html

As we all know when we drink we do not always make the best decisions. (You probably didn’t read that last sentence because you had a lampshade on your head. Tell the naked stranger in bed next to you to help remove it for you. Yes, I realize you do not know their name – just do it. Go ahead, I’ll wait . . .)

As I was saying, we don’t always make the best decisions. We let our guards down. Alcohol consumption and food consumption usually go hand in hand and with our guards down we allow some shitty bar food to get on our plates. We do not make the best food decisions because we are a little buzzed and therefore foods with “popper” “stick” and “kickin” in the name just sound more fun.

Am I giving up alcoholic beverages completely? No. Am I going to exercise moderation when it comes to alcohol? Yes.
(Later, we will explore the myth that drinking beer gives you “beer muscles.”)

Speaking of exercise . . .

4 – I will exercise. I’m starting out with a simple program with room to add to it as I progress. Walk my dog for 30 minutes in the morning before getting ready for work. I prefer the early hours when it is still dark because there is less traffic, and fewer distractions for my dog. Now I will admit that we can’t always go at a consistent fast pace, because my dog usually likes to pause and smell and/or pee on stuff as we walk (so do I – like I said it’s dark – I’m kidding! Am I?). We go as fast as we can the whole time, and I usually break into a sweat about halfway through the trek so all in all our walks are beneficial. Then at night I’m going to pedal for 30 minutes on our recumbent bike followed by 10-15 minutes working out with dumbbells (10 – 25lb. weights as opposed to unintelligent people). Just do simple stuff for now, with room to grow and add on to this daily workout routine. The goal is to do this every day of the week with the fallback goal of at least 4 days a week.

I don’t think it is a coincidence that the word exercise and exorcise have such similar spellings. They both involve releasing and driving out demons of some sort. People that workout regularly often complain about their mood if they are unable to workout for a day or two. They get kind of grumpy (and not just those people that may be on steroids) because they haven’t had that release that working out gives them. Also it is just a given that you are exorcising that fat demons from your body. I wonder how much weight I’d lose if I could spin my head around and vomit pea soup? “The sodium in this soup compels me!”

5 – I will write stuff in this here blog. I promise to post blog entries at least three times a week. Once a week I promise to weigh myself as some sort of an update on my progression to better health (or regression or digression if that is the case). I feel that with the knowledge that someone might be keeping up with me on this that I should probably stick with the program. I want to post positive results, good news, and progress. No one wants to be a bummer. But if there is bad news to report, it will be reported as honestly as possible. If I fall off the wagon, I will report it to all who read. If I desire to give up, you the reader will know about it (if you read and follow this blog – which you really should). It is often suggested that you have a diet/workout buddy to help keep you on task and I’ve chosen all you readers in the blogosphere (Little known fact that I just made up “blogosphere” is the shape your ass becomes if all you do all day is read and write blog posts on the Internetz. You should really go outside and do something. Of course, wait until after you’ve finished reading my blog.)

Okay that’s my plan – what do you think? Pretty awesome, huh? Yeah, whatever. I’m a Newly Fat Guy and I’ll weigh myself some time next week. “I can lose weight, but you’ll always be from outer space.”